Damaged Read online

  “I love it,” I said.

  Satisfied, she grinned and tucked it into the bag.

  “Which one are you taking?”

  “My old standby, the blue bikini.”

  “Oh, that one’s nice,” she said.

  I could tell that she was only being polite. It was a nice bikini and I had spent a small fortune on it when it was new. I’d just worn it for a few summers already.

  “I know that it’s last year’s model…” She raised an eyebrow. “Okay, the year before. But no one here except you knew me last year, or the year before, so I think I’m safe. Anyways, I don’t have an allowance to spend on bikinis. I’m putting every penny I make off of any photos I sell to the paper back into much needed equipment.” My parents were paying for my education and living expenses, I knew that was tough and I wasn’t going to ask them for anything beyond that.

  “I know,” she said. “You’re taking this photography thing pretty seriously lately, huh?”

  “Yeah, it’s no different than high school. Braxton and I were talking about what I should major in and he suggested I should go into photography and maybe start my own business. The more I think about it, the more excited I get over it. He’s smart about business and finance, who would have known? So I changed my major and Sarah’s using me a lot more at the paper so I’m getting a lot of experience too.”

  “Wow, I didn’t even know you and Braxton were talking again.”

  Of course that was the only part of the conversation Zoe had picked up on. I loved her with all my heart, but she came from money and her father owned his own business that she planned on working at when she finished school. What to do with her life, how to support herself, and having a family someday were not a big consideration for her, at least not yet. I could also tell by the way she said it that she was irritated I wasn’t keeping her in the loop.

  “Oh, well we’re not, really,” I said.

  The truth was I was once again avoiding him like the plague. I had helped him change his bandages a couple of times and being that close to him with the elephant in the room was exhausting.

  “The day that he went with me to take pictures of the new trail was when we had that conversation. But…”

  Zoe put down the shirt she was folding and pulled me down to sit next to her on the bed. “But what? I knew there was more to it…spill.”

  I laughed at her nosiness and then grinned. No matter what the situation her silliness could always make me smile.

  “The night of his big fight, the one that I didn’t go to…he came home really beat up. I found him in the bathroom trying to patch himself up. He was doing a terrible job and I didn’t want him to bleed all over, or get infected, so I helped him.”

  She made a face that said she was sure those weren’t the only reasons I had helped him and then she said, “And?”

  “And…he told me that he loves me.”

  “What? Oh my God, Emmi! You’ve totally been holding out on me. That was a freaking week ago.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t hold out on purpose. I’ve just been kicking it around in my head since then. I don’t even know what to say about it. It still shocks me. I haven’t even talked to him about it. I’ve actually barely talked to him at all since then.”

  “Well, I’m not surprised.”

  “That he loves me?” I asked, foolishly.

  Zoe looked at me like I had two heads. She was never one to sugar coat things. “No, I’m not surprised that he played that card. Love, Emmi, really? This guy has probably had his dick in two hundred plus girls since he started here. He has no idea what love is.”

  “Thank you for putting it so delicately,” I told her with a laugh. The laugh was only for self-preservation, I didn’t think it was funny at all. I’m not sure why she thought I needed her to remind me how many girls he’d been with.

  “I’m sorry, but you know what I mean. I just don’t want you falling for that and getting hurt like you did with…” She stopped there. She must have felt bad then, a little.

  Since the day I caught him cheating Zoe rarely said his name out loud. When she did, I was reminded of Lord Voldemort in the Harry Potter novels and when they called him “He who cannot be named.”

  “Like I did with Trent?” I finished for her. I didn’t want to give him that kind of power. “I know Zoe; don’t think my mind didn’t go there as soon as the words were out of Braxton’s mouth. I’m not totally naïve you know.”

  “So,” Zoe asked, “what are you going to tell him? You have to talk to him sooner or later. Do you love him back?”

  “No, I’m not in love with him...or I don’t think so. That’s why I’ve been putting off talking to him. It’s a hard thing to tell someone after they put themselves out there like that. I know that he cares about me. Look what he did with Trent that night.” I knew what she was going to say to that, so I talked fast. “Okay, he shouldn’t have beaten him up, that was definitely not the right way to handle it and that’s why I’ve been so angry with him. But, I think he had good intentions. He thought he was protecting me.” Zoe rolled her eyes. “What?”

  “He’s doing the caveman thing with you. You woman, me man, I protect you therefore I must love you. Careful, he’ll be dragging you around by your hair soon.”

  “Zoe, you’re crazy.”

  “I’m serious. He’s sucking you in Emmi; I can see it in your eyes. You want to tell him that you love him too, don’t you?”

  “No…I told you, I care about him, a lot. But no, I’m not in love with him…I’m not sure if I’m even dating him or not. I’ve kind of lost track of what we are, or aren’t. It seems like we do more not talking than we do otherwise.”

  I heard my phone beep. It was a text message sound but since Zoe was there I wasn’t concerned about checking it right away.

  “In all seriousness, Emmi, I can see how much you care about him. I’ve never seen you with this look in your eyes when you talk about a guy before, not even he who cannot be named. Just be careful and don’t fall for flowery words. Any idiot can say the words. You have to show someone that you love them. He needs to make you feel special and like you’re the most important girl in the world. You deserve that whether you believe it or not.”

  “What makes you think I don’t believe that?” I asked her. I knew what I deserved or I’d still be with Trent.

  “I don’t think that, I just wanted to reinforce it. You’re smart and beautiful and you have so much to give in a relationship. But, sometimes…at least so far in the two relationships that I’ve seen you in, with that first one and Braxton, you give more than you get back. Your heart is too big; I don’t want to see it get broken.”

  I hugged her. “I know and I appreciate your input, as usual. You’ve got to stop reminding me of this stuff though.”

  “I just don’t want you to forget.”

  “I’m not going to.”

  I got up and grabbed my phone and read the message. My stomach did a little flip.

  “Who’s it from?” Zoe asked.

  “Braxton,” I said.

  “What does he want?”

  I considered not telling her, I was sure that she would have opinions about that as well. I knew she wouldn’t stop bugging me if I didn’t though.

  “He says that he and his sister are going out to his grandmother’s beach house tomorrow. He wants to know if I want to go with them.”

  “So…do you?” she asked.

  I did, but I wasn’t sure if that was right or wrong.

  “It might be fun. I can spend today at the beach with you and tomorrow with him…and his little sister. It might give us a chance to talk too. It’s getting really uncomfortable around the house again. We need to lay our cards on the table and get it over with. I keep telling myself that, but then the words just don’t come out.”

  “Hmm, I guess it might be better that way. You’ll have a built-in chaperone with the little sister there,” she said.

  “What makes you thin
k I need a chaperone?” I asked her.

  She grinned. “You don’t even know if you’re dating this guy or not. I can see in your eyes and hear in your voice how much you like him. I think you need to talk to him when someone else is at least in the background, that way you won’t get mesmerized by his gorgeous, deep, sexy eyes and fall into his arms as you whisper in a husky, sexy voice that you loooove him…”

  I threw my pillow at her head. “Shut up!” I told her, but I knew that in a way, she was probably right.

  *******

  Zoe and I went to the place along the water that a lot of other people from school went to. It was packed and there were lots of beer kegs and loud music playing. The beer didn’t appeal to me but they had a volleyball net set up and that looked like fun. I was a little bit too uncomfortable around all of these people. I didn’t want to strip down to my whole bikini although it didn’t seem to bother many of the other girls, not even Zoe. I just wore my shorts and took off my T-shirt and wore my bikini top as Zoe in full bikini regalia dragged me out to play ball. I often wished that I had her confidence. She knew these people a lot better than I did too, from the parties that her sorority had. She led me over to where a guy was serving the ball.

  “Hey, Dylan! Can Emmi and I play?”

  Her friend Dylan turned toward us and ran his eyes over me, slowly. I felt like I may as well have been naked. Nervousness and uncomfortableness spread throughout my body.

  “Absolutely, you’re both on my team,” he said.

  Dylan was a nice-looking guy. He was wearing a pair of white board shorts and he had that kind of muscular lean body and sun-bleached blond hair that made him look like a surfer. He was also like all the other guys our age. He was a pervert. He put me in position so that I would almost always be directly in front of him and he bumped up against me, a lot. I did my best to avoid him, and as usual Zoe noticed. She never missed a thing.

  “Dylan’s pretty hot, don’t you think?” she whispered when we got close enough.

  “Yeah, he’s nice looking,” I agreed.

  “Nice looking, hell. I’d like to jump him right here and have my way with him.”

  I laughed and rolled my eyes at her. She was a pervert too.

  “Go for it,” I told her. “You’re single, is he?”

  “Yeah, he broke up with his girlfriend not too long ago,” she said as she tapped the ball over the net. “I think he likes you better though, he hasn’t taken his eyes off your ass since we got here.”

  We moved again and now I was behind Zoe and next to Dylan. The ball came toward us and I stepped to the side and let him get it so he didn’t have an excuse to bump into me again.

  “You should’ve had that one,” he said, playfully.

  “I would have,” I told him. “But someone’s a ball hog.”

  He laughed. “True,” he said. Then he motioned his eyes down my body until they stopped on my lower half. “It’s amazing that I can even concentrate on anything else with you looking like that.”

  I felt myself blush. This guy was blatantly hitting on me. What was I going to do? I decided to go with the ignoring his comments and acting dumb routine. It seemed to be working for me with Braxton. Dylan didn’t let up on the standing too close and brushing up against me though. By the time the game was over I was burning up and ready for a swim.

  Zoe and I went down and got into the water.

  “So, tell me something.”

  I sighed, I had a feeling I knew what was coming. “What?” I asked her anyways.

  “Are you going to let Braxton ruin your chances at having a real relationship with a guy forever, or just until he graduates this year and moves out into the real world to have his way with all the women there? Dylan is obviously hitting on you. Why not just give in and see where it goes? Unless you do ‘Love’ Braxton?”

  “Braxton is not ruining my chances at anything, and quit saying the ‘L’ word! Just because I don’t respond to every perv that hits on me doesn’t mean anything. That guy is not looking at me like he has more than a one-night stand on his mind, trust me.”

  “He was with his girlfriend for three years. They broke up because she cheated on him. I get the feeling Dylan is a pretty faithful guy, so don’t judge him. He obviously finds you attractive. That should be flattering. He’s also gorgeous and I think he comes from a pretty well-to-do family. He’s majoring in pre-med, planning to go to medical school next year, so he’s really smart too. He’s got it all, Emmi. Why wouldn’t you at least explore an opportunity like that?”

  “Wow, you’ve definitely got the scoop on him,” I said, avoiding the question.

  I didn’t know how to answer her. The truth was I didn’t really know myself. For one thing, I wasn’t used to the hottest guys in school hitting on me. The guys in high school knew I was with Trent, plus they all thought that I was a little strange, which I was, I guess. Was I holding back because of Braxton?

  I was allowing Zoe to get to me.

  “His ex-girlfriend is in my sorority. So answer my question, Emmi…what’s holding you back?”

  I sighed and said, “Braxton, and we had kind of started dating before the thing with Trent happened. It was supposed to be exclusive. Shouldn’t I resolve that before I go looking for another guy to get involved with?”

  “Yes, you should,” she said, sounding disappointed about it. “That means that you need to talk to him though, Emmi, and soon before you let other opportunities go by.” I got the distinct feeling that Zoe had already written off Braxton and I ever having a real relationship as much as I hoped she would finally come around. Then she said, “But most of all, before you do that you need to figure out how you feel about him. I see a lot more feeling in your eyes when you talk about him than you want to let on.”

  “Ugh…I just don’t know. I wish he could have left it at us dating and having fun. I think I would have gotten over being mad at him and things could have gone back to the way they were. Him saying that he loved me just made it… much more complicated.”

  “You need to uncomplicate it, Emmi. Figure out what you want, what’s going to make you happy and quit worrying so much about everyone else.”

  “So you’re admitting it doesn’t matter what you think?” I asked, my eyes widening.

  “Yes, Emmi.”

  I suddenly felt someone grab me from behind and my feet went out from underneath me in the shallow water. I fell back and was suddenly brought back up on Dylan’s shoulders. He had his arms wrapped around my legs.

  “What are you doing?” I looked down and asked him. He was grinning.

  “Chicken fights,” he said. I was suddenly facing Zoe on the shoulders of a huge football player named Zack.

  She smirked.

  “For today, Emmi, just let yourself relax and have a good time.”

  She was right, I was too uptight. We had our chicken fights and Dylan and I won. When I was drying off he brought me a “celebratory beer.”

  “Thanks, but I’m not much of a drinker.”

  “Really? That’s cool. I don’t drink much either, but most of the girls around here are party girls. I just assumed you were too. I heard a rumor you were messing around with Braxton for a while. He doesn’t usually go for the nice girls either.”

  I suddenly wondered if that was why he’d been undressing me with his eyes all day. Did he think I was easy because he’d heard I was with Braxton? “Who did you hear that from?” I asked him. He could see by the look on my face maybe he had made a mistake bringing him up.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by that. It was my stupid way of trying to find out if you had a boyfriend. I just saw a picture a while back of you kissing him at one of his fights. I asked a few people about you until I found out who you were.”

  I blushed again. “He was kissing me, not the other way around,” I protested too quickly.

  “Good, if you weren’t kissing him back and you two aren’t together then maybe I have a chance?”

&n
bsp; “Dylan, I’m just not really looking for anything right now. My life is a little…complicated.” That sounded like something out of a stupid Lifetime movie. He looked at me with his pretty dark-green eyes and smiled.

  “Okay, well how about this, I’ll give you my number and if things ever get uncomplicated you call me, okay?”

  He was a nice guy like Zoe had said. I smiled back and knowing that I would probably never call him I said, “Okay, sure.”

  “Let me see your phone,” he said. “I’ll put it in.”

  I handed him my phone and he stood close to me while he typed his name and number into the contacts. He was handing it back and both of our hands were still on it when I saw a flash. It was Sarah, she had been around taking pictures all day. I hadn’t thought anything of it, until now.

  I thanked Dylan and went over to where Sarah was. “Hey.”

  “Hi, Emmi,” she said with her usual sweet smile.

  “You’re not going to put these pictures in the paper, are you?”

  “I was thinking about it,” she said. “They wanted a piece on kids just having some innocent fun. I thought if I edited out the kegs, these pictures would work well for that.”

  “Oh, can I ask you a favor?”

  “What’s that, Emmi?”

  “Can you edit me out of them? I’m just so much more comfortable behind the camera than I am in front of it.”

  “Look,” she said, showing me the one she had taken of me and Dylan. “I think it came out good.”

  “It’s fine, you’re a great photographer. I just like to keep my own business to myself,” I explained to her.

  “Like the fact that you and Braxton are sleeping together?” she said. I saw something in her eyes that was never there before. It was like she was angry with me for some reason.

  “Who told you that?” I said.

  Jeez, it seemed the more I tried to keep out of the rumor mills, the more I got dragged in.

  “Oh please, Emmi,” she said sarcastically and with a roll of her eyes. I’d never seen Sarah act this way before. She was usually so mature and…professional. “You live with the biggest player on campus, everyone saw the picture of him kissing you that night…A lot of girls have been there.”